I can never trust anyone to understand.
This knowledge always hangs in the back of my mind. It is disturbing, in the sense of creating unrest, destroying stability.
On the other hand, truly accepting it could free me — no more time spend artificially dividing people into categories of “Volatile, Will Probably Hurt Me” (focus all energies on protecting self from these!) and “Safe, Would Not Hurt Me” (so tired from the first category, no energy to protect self on any measure around them) — now I can spend that time and energy centering myself and my needs, thinking about what I really need to protect (from anybody), what I’m ok with people knowing — and even focusing that energy on becoming ok with those facts of my lives, myself…
But the eternal vulnerability can wear on me. Disclosing something one time means being vulnerable forever — the moment of sharing, the interaction may pass, but the knowledge can be used against me at any time. It can come up at any point in the future. Once I make the decision (not that there’s always a choice) to disclose something, I let it go forever — the knowledge is free in the hands of the people around me, and I can never take it back.
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